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Shameless Story plug...

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  • Shameless Story plug...

    I'm working on writing some 'side' fiction while I'm working on my novel, more to keep motivated then anything...
    Anyway, I would greatly appriciate anyone willing to drop me some feedback as I work on this... Right now the plan is to take several short stories from characters, stuff like field reports, journal entries and actual 'at the time' stuff...
    Hopefully you'll find it in your heart to give this a shot and send me some feedback, but if not thats cool too. Give it a chance, you might find something you enjoy

    It should be noted that the journal will be going along with the book and stuff will probably cross over at some point... Though, rest assured, this is all working toward a 'greater' goal. (Publication maybe? )

    At any rate...

    I'll be updating it later this week with the first actual story... Thanks and take care.
    Johnathan, the archetype Front Line Medic

  • #2
    oooo, you are an intelligant one . I'd love it if i wasnt illiterate . just playing, ill read it.
    I hack, i fight, but never EVER touch bloody needles.


    • #3
      ideas for writing lets see eh oh i know what ill do ill sleep ... three seconds later.... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
      Prepare to be shredded.
      To avoid being teamkilled .....
      Maps to every level in ASw


      • #4
        I'm interested in reading your works, but reading prose from the screen just annoys me. Maybe I'll still read that when I have more spare time.

        EDIT: I'm not sure if I understood that Shredder's post but I think Shredder is becoming more and more a reliable anti-meter for all stuff interesting. If Shreddie dislikes it, it's bound to be a good thing. Recent examples have been his dislike for turn-based gaming and a dislike for board gaming.
        My cats are black! How about yours?


        • #5
          Well actually i guess i could try making a few poems for it if u tell me what u want me to make it about but not too many ok.
          Prepare to be shredded.
          To avoid being teamkilled .....
          Maps to every level in ASw


          • #6
            Thanks Bucchus,
            if you want I can upload a .doc version of the recent post and put it on the top of the post (handy quick link woo ! ) for easy printing.. :p

            I'm going to sit down and write tonight damnit... Just got off work and I need to focus...

            Shredder... Please, (in no way condecending or otherwise looking down on you) try and relaxing your post count untill you have something worthwhile to contribute... it becomes quite annoying (and makes YOU look bad) when someone keeps posting such useless crap as: ideas for writing lets see eh oh i know what ill do ill sleep ... three seconds later.... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

            having said that, enjoy your stay in the community as I'm sure it will end when the next version of CS comes out
            Johnathan, the archetype Front Line Medic


            • #7
              i like
    's safer here.


              • #8
                Thanks Baz


                Updated today with the first chapter of the first story... O_o
                Expect updates on a weekly basis... usualy 1 or 2 a week... The links at the top will be the 'quick link' for the chapter and will remain untill I run out of webspace XD
                Johnathan, the archetype Front Line Medic


                • #9
                  I'm waiting for the full version!!!!!


                  • #10
                    skya: this isnt the book... its fics set in the book's world
                    Johnathan, the archetype Front Line Medic


                    • #11
                      I read through the "Summarized history of the Clan of the White Rose". I also read "To kill an info network, Chapter 1" but not as thoroughly.

                      Critique follows. Now, these short pieces of prose might be crystal-clear if they were read alongside or after your main work, but as stand-alone stories they are partially confusing. While the "White rose" is heavy with facts and historical material (you might even consider lightening it up, since now it bombards the reader with too much information), it leaves quite a lot still unexplained. For example, the Kattah. So, they came from somewhere and formed these clans and later got persecuted. Why? I'd like you to flesh out more the motives for the "Order of the Earth Purifiers". What makes the Kattah different from all the other people? Some extra information at the beginning about the Kattah would be appreciated, preferably something that better personifies them, sets them aside from all the other people (I'm assuming they're still humans). If Kattah as a term should be common knowledge, I'm missing out on that.

                      "Info network" has also similar problems, there are many references to concepts like sleepers and stuff. While usually it's good not to explain too much and leave stuff for the reader to realize, I think some of these should be explained. Too many unexplained terms and names just leave the reader stumped.

                      I think the problem here is that while you're familiar with the setting and world you've created, the readers are not. A lot of things in these texts seem like the readers are supposed to be familiar with them, so you won't shed too much light on the issues. Of course, this will change if one should read parts of your book first which probably does shed light on the things more.

                      One suggestion for the "White rose" would be to make the text a bit longer, so the heavier informational material could be spread out better and make it a lighter read. Plus you'd have a chance to explain some of the main setting more.

                      Somehow the persons in "Info network" were hard to differentiate. You're introducing several people at the same time to the story, while describing them pretty vaguely (I mean that you're not sticking the names right along the physical descriptions but just drop the names later on). I was a little confused as in who is who, but it might be just that I really do need some sleep.

                      One thing also, though that might be your personal style of writing but just something I want to point out: These texts are something I'd call "guy texts". They're heavy on the informational side and details, much like a technical fact-sheet. Usually a "guy-text" lacks the emotional side of the story and over-emphasizes technical and other details. You might have a tendency to be really specific with stuff like weapons and their ammunition details, for example. While those details are important for keeping up the atmosphere, they do not generate the atmosphere. The problem with "guy-texts" is that they generate this detailed information at the cost of atmosphere, interesting personalities, emotional impact and other important factors. Of course, not all of this applies to "White rose" since it *is* a short historical summary.

                      Okay, now to personal taste opinions:

                      "White rose": It was interesting, once I got the information overload digested, and it left me with many points of interest with the setting. You should add to it, it suffers from being so compact. Of particular interest is what connection this story will have with your other stories.

                      "Info network": As much as I'd like to say that I liked it, I can't. The text reminded me of some tired generic Cyberpunk roleplaying session. Definitely not the type of scifi (if it's to be called that) I like. It's a question of taste, I'm sure some people enjoy this but just not my thing. It seemed somehow so clichéy, and there wasn't anything that would attract my attention and interests and force me to read more (hence I didn't read it as thoroughly). It's just somehow lifeless and emotionless, like reading through computer logs or something. Sorry.

                      And lastly, not to be picky or anything but I think you should fix those typos and grammatical errors. At least for me such things really do break the immersion in fiction like this.

                      If I was too harsh, I'll throw in some generic "it was pretty good, liked it"-stuff, but you came here for the proper feedback, didn't you?
                      My cats are black! How about yours?


                      • #12
                        That I did, and thank you for it this is by far the most informitive feedback I've ever received. Informitve and obviously well spoken XD

                        Though I cant adaquately address all the points made in this I guess i'll start with the 'guy text' thing.
                        Absolutely agree... I've had some problem with going in the opposite direction as I usualy write emotionaly during lulls in action... Heres a peice from the novel...

                        Jon inhaled again, following the woman’s scent as red hair and a sharp cheek pushed against his, leading moisture and relief into weary muscles. “Kathrine…” Another sharp breath stalled his words, given to the hand he slid down her spine. “I love you… No matter… No matter what…” Tension drew an immediate gasp when the woman’s nails dug into his back. “All of you…”
                        “I love you Jon... I… I love you so much…” Kathrine cringed. “I’ve wanted to tell… You for so… Long…” A deep breath brought words against the young man’s lips, mere whispers in the torrent of questions that wrapped around his mind and body. “It hurts so much…”
                        Jon forced air into his body, tension slipped from his mouth carefully expelled by a will not his own. “Kathrine… It’s… Okay…” Another breath pulled words from his mind, a carefully spoken tone that echoed emotions he couldn’t identify. “I love you… I love you for you… Everything…”
                        Green eyes followed him carefully, melting hours into seconds while emotions flickered under the steady glow of lights just outside the apartment, matched entirely by the wind which rattled the windows softly. “Jon…” Kathrine trailed off, wiping her face with the pillowcase before tensing against him. “I love you too… I… I did from the second I saw you…”
                        Jonathan let a grin change his mouth before finding the words behind uncertain tones. “I almost didn’t grab your wallet…”
                        A coy grin slipped through streaks of moisture before lending itself to a light whisper that echoed the small finger which traveled over the young man’s spine. “I was… I was hopping you would…” Another grin played across the distance before lips touched.
                        “I’m glad I did…”
                        “Me too…” Another wave of tension pulled Kathrine’s body against him, bringing energy in sharp tastes of shared emotion she slid over Jon’s tongue. Hours pulled light skin over heavy denim as warmth followed gentle strokes of a rough tongue, exploring with a deliberate caution.

                        Well... my version of emotional I guess :S

                        Anyway, heres a clip from an action scene.

                        “Fuck you then…” The woman sprinted ahead of them, her speed easily matched by the confusion that painted itself on a pair of suited men as they slipped from the large double doors. Seconds passed in sips of cool air, following reason and emotion while Jon slowed, his shotgun balancing in one hand before he pushed the door open. Dark blue carpet stretched out under off tones of white and gold that cast shadows as soft and yielding as the older woman that looked up at them, her soft features bringing familiarity in memories and images that died off when Sam pointed her pistol at the woman. “Exits, back exits… Where are they?”
                        “I… I…”
                        “Now bitch!”
                        “Ma’am…” Kathrine swallowed, stepping in between the women, her voice a tight calm that echoed the shaking hands she placed on the desk a moment later. “We are being followed by someone and need to get away… Can you please tell us how to get to…”
                        Samantha pushed Kat aside, the force sending her to the ground before the blonde woman pulled the hammer back. “Tell me now, or the last thing going through your mind is going to be my bullet…”

                        Maybe if I could find a way to balance it right... *shrugs*

                        Anyway... Something I'm trying to do is set up the characters individualy through diffrent peices of their story (in this case, info network) will be told by the characters over diffrent chapters...

                        This first one was meant to be told by Trish, the next by Cora and so on... Trying to varry up the pitch and tone I write in to find one that works adaquately...
                        If you have any suggestions I'd love to hear them but I will be applying your crits to my future work. Thank you for the words, I seriously appriciate it !
                        Johnathan, the archetype Front Line Medic


                        • #13
                          well.. finish the book already *bites nails* ;-)


                          • #14
                            Too much Fallout:Tactics sets deadlines back. *bites bullet*


                            • #15
                              Well, that "emotional" scene example of yours shows that you're capable of writing something else than only "guy-text", which means there's hope . Yes, there's a possibility of going to the other extremity, making it a "gal-text" Try balancing it, you'll get it right with practice.

                              Originally posted by Johnathan
                              Anyway... Something I'm trying to do is set up the characters individualy through diffrent peices of their story (in this case, info network) will be told by the characters over diffrent chapters...

                              This first one was meant to be told by Trish, the next by Cora and so on... Trying to varry up the pitch and tone I write in to find one that works adaquately...
                              This sounds like a brilliant idea. If you can (it might be difficult), you should try to variate between each person's stories as much as you can. Meaning that their stories should sound like they would be telling them. For example, a hasty and nervous person should narrate maybe like free-flowing thoughts, and some person who really thinks through his actions many times should have a cool, serious narrative style. For this, you'll have to develop as many different narrational techniques as there are these persons and their stories, but if you'll pull it off, the results will be amazing. Such "bonus stories" will really flesh out those characters and make them alive.

                              Have you got your characters developed as "real persons" inside your head? One thing that helps is to develop as much details and history for each one as possible, even if you wouldn't ever use that material in a text. It's a bit like roleplaying - you should "know" each of your characters so well that you're able to tell instantly what they would say or do in a certain situation. Many writers write complete biographies for their characters, which are not really meant for anybody to read - they're just tools for creating and developing those characters more.
                              My cats are black! How about yours?