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Texas Chili Cook-off (funny)

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  • Texas Chili Cook-off (funny)

    Note: please take the time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges,
    the reaction of the third is even better.
    For those of you who live or have lived in Texas, You know how true this is. They actually
    have a Chili cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion
    of the parking lot of the Astrodome.

    The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from
    the east coast:
    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original
    person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges
    table asking directions to the Budweiser Truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
    other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they
    told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili#1 Mike's maniac mobster Monster Chili:

    Judge#1- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing Kick.
    Judge#2- Nice,smooth tomato flavor. very mild.
    Judge#3-(Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
    driveway. took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
    These Texans are crazy.

    Chili#2 Arthur's afterburner chili:

    Judge#1- smoky, with a hint of pork, Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge#2- exciting bbq flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    Judge#3- keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides
    pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the heimlich maneuver.
    They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    Chili#3 Fred's Famous burn down the barn Chili:

    Judge #1- Excellent firehouse Chili, great kick. needs more beans.
    Judge#2- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge#3- Call the EPA. I've located a Uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
    Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid
    pounded me on the back so hard, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
    I'm getting shitfaced from all the beer.

    Chili#4 Bubba's black Magic:

    Judge#1-Black bean chili with almost no spice.Disapointing
    Judge#2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not
    much of a chili.
    Judge#3- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible
    to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
    That 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT- Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating.
    Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    Chili#5 Linda's Legal Lip remover:

    Judge#1 Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable Kick.
    very Impressive.
    Judge#2- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit cayenne peppers make
    a strong statement.
    Judge#3- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and i can no longer focus my
    eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
    offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.Sally saved my
    tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.I wonder
    if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked
    me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

    Chili#6 Vera's very vegetarian Variety:

    Judge#1- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
    Judge#2- The best yet. Agressive use of peppers,onions, and garlic. Superb.
    Judge#3- My intestines are now a straght pipe filled with gaseous,sulfuric flames.
    I shit myself when i farted and I'm worried it will eat thru the chair. No one
    seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than
    I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snowcone.

    Chili#7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili:

    Judge#1 A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge#2- Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw a can of chili peppers in at the
    last moment. I should take note that I am worried about judge#3 He appears to be
    in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    Judge#3- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.
    I've lost sight in one eye,and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.
    My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants
    are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll
    know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it,
    I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in thru the four
    inch hole in my stomache.

    Chili#8 Tommy's Toe-Nail curling Chili:

    Judge#1- the perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough
    to declare its existence.
    Judge#2- This final entry is a good balance chili. Neither mild nor Hot. sorry to see that
    most of it was lost when judge#3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot
    down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Dude, wonder
    how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

  • #2
    You know, I've received this by email about 4 times now, and every time I read it I end up laughing almost uncontrollably by the end.


    • #3

      Black Cat Games
      Alien Swarm


      • #4
        maybe there are some that have'nt seen this yet. i thought it was funny as hell.


        • #5
          This is a first for me too, very funny!


          • #6
            Those texicans are not human...


            • #7
              OMG !!! Freakin hilarious
              Never let LaughingRat shave your testicles with a rusty serrated knife.


              • #8
                Originally posted by Swiss Mercenary
                Those texicans are not human...

                Good thing my aunt and uncle just left.

                CHILI ROCKS!that was HILARIOUS!
                "Just off the border of your waking mind there lies another time, where darkness and light are one. As you tread the halls of sanity, you feel so glad to be unable to go beyond. I have a message from another time."


                • #9
                  I'm not amused.


                  • #10
                    I need to wipe my ass with a snowcone.

                    ohhh!!....I just can't stop laughing!

                    ...burnin', burnin', burnin', like that burnin' ring of fire....

                    :lol: :lol: :lol:

                    ...and all is silent, save the voice of the clock...


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Salsa
                      I'm not amused.

                      Salsa u were judge number 3 wern't ya?
                      The Guard "eats, drinks, and sleeps"

                      Likita: lol, can't.. must..stay..awake.............

                      It's TACO TIME!


                      • #12
                        Hilarious! :lol:


                        • #13
                          I was almost crying from laughter... God this is SO funny!!!

                          Do you like my new attitude? It's called positive thinking!
                          I had so much bottled rage, I'd snap if you looked at me the wrong way! But now I changed my mind!


                          • #14
                            You know, Texans aren't the only one's that eat spicy things. I eat habeneros like popcorn.
                            Genius is a blink before a moment of insanity.
                            "Dream is Destiny"
                            Waking Life