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  • The broken clock.

    Mike's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day,
    so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair
    shop.

    In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has
    a heavy German accent. He asks Mike, "Vat sims to be ze
    problem?"

    Mike says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go
    "tick-tock-tick-tock" anymore. Now it just goes
    "tick...tick...tick."

    The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where
    he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and
    walks over to the grandfather clock.

    He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the
    clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice... Ve haf vays of
    making you tock!

  • #2
    This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new
    designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new
    invention. It's a folding bottle."

    "OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle, replies
    the inventor." "A fottle? That's stupid! Can't you think of
    something else?"

    "I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a
    folding carton." "And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

    "A farton", replies the inventor. "That's rude. You can't
    possibly call it that!"

    "In that case," says the inventor... "You're really going to
    hate the name of my folding bucket."

    Comment


    • #3
      that was .... almost boring ....
      On demand this signature has been changed. I hope nobody was insulted or got harmed due to my signature. If this is the case, I'm fully responsible for the harm that was done. Do you feel harmed or you simply want a listening ear?

      Call 0900-PHAE

      Comment


      • #4
        READ THIS TO THE END. IT'S SHORT.

        It can buy a House...............But not a Home

        It can buy a Bed..................But not Sleep

        It can buy a Clock................But not Time

        It can buy you a Book..........But not knowledge

        It can buy you a Position......But not Respect

        It can buy you Medicine.......But not Health

        It can buy you Blood............But not Life

        It can buy you Sex..............But not Love

        So you see MONEY isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.
        I tell you all this because..........I am your Friend, and as your Friend I
        want to take away your pain and suffering . So please send me all your
        money...... and I will suffer for you. CASH ONLY PLEASE

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by LaughingRat
          READ THIS TO THE END. IT'S SHORT.

          It can buy a House...............But not a Home

          It can buy a Bed..................But not Sleep

          It can buy a Clock................But not Time

          It can buy you a Book..........But not knowledge

          It can buy you a Position......But not Respect

          It can buy you Medicine.......But not Health

          It can buy you Blood............But not Life

          It can buy you Sex..............But not Love

          So you see MONEY isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.
          I tell you all this because..........I am your Friend, and as your Friend I
          want to take away your pain and suffering . So please send me all your
          money...... and I will suffer for you. CASH ONLY PLEASE

          lol!!
          This is my cool sig.

          Comment


          • #6
            Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke,
            when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom,
            cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

            Miriam: What's that?

            Agnes: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

            Miriam: Where did you get it?

            Agnes: You can get them at any drugstore.

            The next day, Miriam hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
            announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

            The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
            (she is, after all, over 90 years of age) but very delicately
            asks, "What brand do you prefer?"

            "Doesn't matter sonny, as long as it fits a Camel." The
            pharmacist fainted.

            Comment


            • #7
              :lol:

              Wait... did she get the box of condoms or not?
              Still -)(The Chosen One)(-

              Comment


              • #8
                What's brown and sticky?







                A stick.



                Best joke ever, bar none.
                I'm cool!

                Comment


                • #9
                  So Father Paul is playing golf with the mayor of his town one tuesday afternoon. The mayor takes the first tee, and slices the shot into the woods. Frustrated, he shouts "Oh shit I missed!"

                  Father Paul, being a highly strict Christian, is put off by the mayors sudden loss of restraint, but ignores it and they continue the game.

                  A few minutes later, on the third hole, Mr. Mayor narrowly misses the green and lands in a sand trap.

                  Again, he declares loudly, "Oh shit I missed!"

                  Father Paul is upset at his second outburst, and warns "Mr. Mayor, if you continue with that manor of speech, God will reach down from heaven and strike you down!"

                  Mr. Mayor apologizes, and they continue the game.

                  On the final hole, the game is tied, and Mr. Mayor lines up the putt which will decide the game. He narrowly misses the shot.

                  He loses control, and again shouts: "Oh SHIT I MISSED!"

                  Instantly, the clouds part above the green, the sky turns black, and a lightning bolt flies down from the part in the clouds, striking Father Paul.

                  Confused, Mr. Mayor looks up to the sky, and hears a booming voice:



                  OH SHIT I MISSED!


                  ~

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT!
                    The only constant is change.
                    (And I wouldn't have it any other way.)

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Whats white and can't wear jeans?
                      A fridge.

                      Why couldn't Toby the dog fit in the doggy-door?
                      He was driving a tractor.

                      Why did the plane crash?
                      It was being flown by a sandwich.

                      Why did the boy fall from the swing?
                      He had no arms or legs.

                      What do: a cabbage, a motorcycle, a hairbrush and a horse have in common?
                      They can't climb trees.

                      Why did James fall off his bicycle?
                      James was a goldfish.

                      What is blue and white?
                      A fridge with jeans on.

                      What is green and has ten legs?
                      Grass. I lied about the legs.

                      Whats white and can't climb trees?
                      A fridge.

                      Why did Harry fall off his bicycle?
                      The fridge landed on him.

                      What do Crude Oil, Pumpkins and Lepracy have in common?
                      None of them will make a delicous *and* healthy soup.

                      :roll:

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Why do ducks have flat feet?
                        To stomp out forest fires.

                        Why do elephants have flat feel?
                        To stomp out burning ducks.
                        It's not my fault everything you like is terrible.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Three men were captured by an african tribe. They were told to go gather ten of any fruit. Bob returned with ten rasperries, and he was told he would be spared if he could stick them up his butt without laughing. He got 8 in, and then started laughing. Before he was killed, Joe asked Bob why he laughed. Bob pointed over at Fred, struggling to drag his ten watermelons back to the tribe.
                          The only constant is change.
                          (And I wouldn't have it any other way.)

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by CrouchingDork
                            Three men were captured by an african tribe. They were told to go gather ten of any fruit. Bob returned with ten rasperries, and he was told he would be spared if he could stick them up his butt without laughing. He got 8 in, and then started laughing. Before he was killed, Joe asked Bob why he laughed. Bob pointed over at Fred, struggling to drag his ten watermelons back to the tribe.
                            Only problem is, neighter raspberries, or watermelons should be referred to as fruit - they are berries. If you will say that, well they are still fruit, I'd point out that you can also call them plants.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Swiss Mercenary
                              Originally posted by CrouchingDork
                              Three men were captured by an african tribe. They were told to go gather ten of any fruit. Bob returned with ten rasperries, and he was told he would be spared if he could stick them up his butt without laughing. He got 8 in, and then started laughing. Before he was killed, Joe asked Bob why he laughed. Bob pointed over at Fred, struggling to drag his ten watermelons back to the tribe.
                              Only problem is, neighter raspberries, or watermelons should be referred to as fruit - they are berries. If you will say that, well they are still fruit, I'd point out that you can also call them plants.
                              Only problem is, you should be reffered to as fruit - you're a homo. If you will say that, I'll be satisfied, because no one should try to hide who they are.
                              The only constant is change.
                              (And I wouldn't have it any other way.)

                              Comment

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