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  • Working on a story... (Your thoughts...?)

    Could you just proofread this? Let me know what you think? Thanks.

    EDIT: THIS IS A NEW, EDITED, REVISED, AND ADDED TO VERSION OF THE STORY!!


    Ayam scanned the area where the battle would take place. It was a large, flat prairie with very little cover. He thought it was a foolish place to hold a battle against the magus and tinkers of the Onnac Rep. There was nothing he could do about it, though. He also thought it was foolish to have the entire Nais Rep in one area. It would be a horrible way to lose the kingdom, all in one battle. Again, though, there was nothing he could do about it. It looked as though the Kings had set this battle up so that his army, the Nais Rep, would leave a small wooded area in the South, and head into the field. The Onnac Rep, on the other hand, would come flooding down over a hill in the distance from the North.

    Others must have felt it was foolish as well, for the captain of his Erem Rep spoke up, “I know, I KNOW!! Ok, everyone, listen up! The Kings know what they are doing when they send us out here to fight. You just make sure you do your job, and that we are NOT defeated in one battle.” Some time passed, and then, “Look, I know you’re all very nervous. Having an entire Rep on Rep battle is uncommon. The kings decided that this war should not last longer than need be. At this very moment, the Keerg and Patac Reps are gathering for a similar battle! The war of 4 kings must come to an honorable end! And what's more honorable than having it finish like this? That’s what I thought.” A few moments more, “And no, I don’t think they would have left anyone behind to prolong it. All our Kings are linked to each member of all the Reps. Even the enemie’s Reps. If they leave anyone behind, our King will know it. Same with theirs.”

    Through this speech Ayam was preparing his weapons. A quarterstaff, a short sword, and a standard issue hand cannon. Too bad bullets aren’t standard issue, Ayam mused. There were only 3 bullets in his sack. He only half listened to the captain. If it wasn’t an order, Ayam didn’t much care. He did wonder a bit about how the Kings new about all Reps, though. Some sort of magic, it must be.

    “Prepare your equipment!” He heard the general shout. It was repeated by the captains of various Erem Reps.

    Ayam smiled. He was always ready ahead of time. It was good to be ready before it was needed so that he had time to prepare mentally for what was to come. Ayam did not necessarily like killing. But, joining the Nais Rep was really his only way to get any form of adventure, something he did want. The killing was just something that was part of the job. Before battle, he always told himself that what would happen would happen, and that the other side was doing their job as well. And sometimes, part of the job was to die.

    “Prepare Formations!” The general shouted. The Erem Rep captains then gave their formation orders.

    Looking up at the hill as he took his position, Ayam saw the Onnac Rep marching up and over it.

    “Attack!” the general screamed at the top of his lungs. Ayam thought me may have heard the Onnac Rep general as well.

    Ayam’s Erem Rep was headed around to the right side of the enemy. They were to get off to side, and set up their long range cannon. The cannon was not very big, and the shot was small but had great accuracy. They would use it to pick off any magus that set up on the hill. Ayam suspected there would be a long range cannon on the left as well.

    The captain took them to a spot he had scouted earlier. There were 2 large boulders and a small tree, with no other landscape features. Ayam figured it was better than the nothing that was offered everywhere else. The tinkers of the Erem Rep began preparing the cannon.

    Meanwhile, the main groups of fighters began clashing in the middle of the field. He could see red bandannas and helmets of his own Rep and the Blue of the Onnacs beings tossed about like ragdolls. It looked as if the Blue was gaining. Even some of their fighters were trained in the use of magic. The Nais Rep had few magus.

    “Long Range Cannon prepared, Sir!” one of the tinkers said.

    “Good,” responded the captain, “You see those magus lined up on the hill? Fire at will.”

    Ayam had not noticed the magus. He was busy watching the fighting in the middle. They must be preparing a large spell which required many of them together to cast.

    “A group preparing to attack us from the North, Sir!” Another warrior reported to the captain.

    Ayam turned to face dead north. It looked as though it was only a small group. There were Only Five or six at the most. They must think we leave our tinkers without protection, Ayam thought. He unlimbered his quarterstaff off of his back. Then again, he mused, there were only 2 fighters, and 4 tinkers in his Erem Rep, plus the captain.

    There was a thump, and wheeze as the cannon near him fired, and recoiled on its gears. He briefly took a look up at the hill, and saw one of the magus fall.

    Ayam left the tinkers to do their job, and started toward the approaching enemy. The other warrior would stay with the tinkers, just in case. As he got closer, he could see these men wore only light armor and mainly had short swords. They were for quick raids, he was sure. To destroy weapons, and get out. But he was also sure they would not pass up the chance to make a quick kill of a single warrior. That would be their fatal mistake, Ayam thought. Though Ayam was young, somewhere around 20, he was strong and had had much battle experience.

    He was now within 15 feet of the enemy. They halted, and so did he. He loosened his shoulders, and swung his quarterstaff into position. The enemy began advancing again. They started a loose circle around Ayam. He was well aware of their plan. He was also sure of his. As they got farther apart, to get around and surround him, he would make his attack. This way they would be as far away from each other as possible when the actual fight began. His chance opened.

    He leaped forward at the first man, taking him down with one swing to the head before the man even raised his weapon. The others, seeing as things would not go as planned, charged him. He swung his quarterstaff behind him and knocked one of them down. Another swung a sword at Ayam. He easily blocked it, and kicked the man to the ground. Quickly crouching and sliding to the left, he avoided a slash from an attacker. He smashed down on the man lying on the ground. He swung out at the legs of another man, but was not able to reach him. Ayam ran back a few steps to get all three remaining fighters in front of him. He threw the staff at all three. It smacked into the shin of one of them, and despite his best effort the man fell down. Ayam pulled out his short sword and leaped at the two standing. He grabbed the sword arm of one, and thrust his sword into the chest of the other. The other twisted his hand free and ran. Ayam let him go as there was no reason to waste a valuable bullet on him.

    Ayam trotted back to his Erem Rep, this time with two more short swords. One he had slung across his back, the other in an empty sheath on his belt.

    There was an extremely loud thump coming from up on the hill. Ayam turned and looked. The enemy tinkers had set up several large cannon. He turned to the battlefield in the middle. The cannon shells were exploding violently, tossing men from both sides high into the air. Most likely magically enhanced shot, he thought.

    “Sir, one of their cannons is aiming this way. Apparently they don’t want to lose more of their magus,” a tinker said with a grin.

    The captain was already looking up at the hill with his field scope. “Lets move, that thing will be firing soon, and if we’re anywhere near it, we’re done.”

    “Right, sir, we’ll disassemble our cannon,” another tinker responded.

    Ayam watched the hill, and could see at least 15 magus lined up. That was not good, no matter how he looked at it. Taking a glance down at the main battle again, he saw the enemy retreating at a run while the heavy cannon on the hill were preventing the Nais Rep from advancing. Looking back at the hill, he saw all of the magus casting a spell in unison. There was a red glow beginning to surround them.



    “General Napaj,” a mage bowed low before the general.

    “Yes?” he responded.

    “The Nais Rep are herded perfectly. Our magus are ready to cast.”

    “Tell me again what this spell is going to do?”

    The mage sighed and said, “Well, sir, it is an advanced mutation spell. Its is the only thing that our mages know that is wide enough to cover the entire battlefield. It should disrupt their body structure enough to kill them all. Quick, and efficient.”

    “And if it doesn’t kill them?”

    “Well, that would depend on the person. Some might be able to use it to their advantage. Increased reflexes and speed, or even be able to mutate at will. But, I guarantee, the power that the magus are putting into this, chances are the enemy will simply be torn apart.”

    General Napaj thought about it once again, for the 5th time. He didn’t want to create an army of mutant killers. Not out of the enemy, at least. His magus said they would be destroyed. He told his king they would be destroyed. It was his responsibility to make sure they were destroyed! There was no backing out now, though, and he knew it. The plan had already been put into action, and was going as expected.

    “Very good. Give the order to cast,” the General said.



    The red glow around the magus on the hill suddenly began increasing. It soon became solid red, and the magus could not be seen. And then, as quick as it had appeared, the red glow dissipated, and was gone again. A few seconds passed, and the glow built again in the center of the battlefield. Once it was solid, there was a loud crack, like that of an explosive shell. And then another, and another, and soon hundreds at once.
    The magus on the hill and the rest of the Onnac Rep had already left, down the north side of the hill.



    “Its time to leave, Captain,” Ayam said.

    The captain looked at him. “Its too late, Ayam. That’s a mutation spell. They’ve set up a trap, and herded us right into it,” The captain began running away from the magus as they spoke. Ayam and the others of his Erem Rep followed.

    Ayam heard a snap, and looked back at the prairie. He saw a large red ball, snapping and cracking violently. Suddenly, the tinkers who were behind him fell, screaming and twisting into inhuman shapes before becoming silent. Ayam looked ahead to see the captain fall as well. He jumped over the body to avoid tripping on it. Suddenly he felt a stabbing pain in his leg. It felt as though the muscle was being torn out, and the bone replaced by jelly. His arms suddenly felt as though they snapped in half, and looking down he saw they had another joint. Ayam’s mind screamed in pain, and he fell.
    Garlisk's Fantasy Art Gallery
    www.usyetzer.com

  • #2
    I don't have time to read through it detailed, but I do have one recommendation. Use more complex sentences. Short sentences are boring. No one likes them. It's almost like a break. Everytime you have something to say.


    :wink:

    Comment


    • #3
      But don't use big, long, run-on sentences either, because they're really annoying, they just go on and on and on and on and on and you think they're never going to end, and even just reading them, you feel like you have to stop and take a breath, but you can't, because the sentence isn't over yet and you have to keep reading it, because you think it's eventually going to come to some kind of point, but it probably isn't, just like that movie, you know, "The Neverending Story", except I think it should have been called "The Neverending Movie", because always just when you though it was about to end, it suddenly kept on going, I mean, even when they reached the climax of the story, and it should have ended just after, it didn't, it was like hours before it actually ended, and even then it didn't, cuz it's the neverending movie, sorry, I mean story, just like the title says, so don't use big long run-on sentences, or people will hate you.

      Comment


      • #4
        Don't use no double negatives.
        Don't never use no triple negatives.
        No sentence fragments
        Corollary: Complete sentences: important.
        Stamp out and eliminate redundancy.
        Avoid cliches like the plague.
        All generalizations are bad.
        Corollary: All statements must be specific.
        Take care that your verb and subject is in agreement.
        A preposition is a bad thing to end a sentence with.
        Down with categorical imperatives.
        Avoid those run-on sentences that just go on, and on, and on, they never stop, they just keep rambling, and you really wish the person would just shut up, but no, they just keep going, they're worse than the Energizer Bunny, they babble incessantly, and these sentences, they just never stop, they go on forever...if you get my drift...
        Never contradict yourself always.
        You should never use the second person.
        The passive voice should never be used.
        Never go off on tangents, which are lines that intersect a curve at only one point and were discovered by Euclid, who lived in the sixth century, which was an era dominated by the Goths, who lived in what we now know as Poland...
        As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "I hate quotations."
        Excessive use of exclamation points can be disastrous!!!!!
        Remember to end each sentence with a period
        Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
        Don't use question marks inappropriately?
        Don't be terse.
        Don't obfuscate your theses with extraneous verbiage.
        Never use that totally cool, radically groovy out-of-date slang.
        Avoid tumbling off the cliff of triteness into the black abyss of overused metaphors.
        Keep your ear to the grindstone, your nose to the ground, take the bull by the horns of a dilemma, and stop mixing your metaphors.
        Avoid those abysmally horrible, outrageously repellent exaggerations.
        Avoid any awful anachronistic aggravating antediluvian alliterations.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Biohazard
          I don't have time to read through it detailed, but I do have one recommendation. Use more complex sentences. Short sentences are boring. No one likes them. It's almost like a break. Everytime you have something to say.
          You're right. I do this in nearly ALL my writing, even on the boards. Thanks for the heads up.


          Korax, this isn't the joke thread. Please stick to problems that I do have.

          LR, are there actually runons in there, or are you just messin around after bio's post?



          Also, I would like to know if you are or get confused about whats going on. Basically, could you explain the Reps and how they work after reading this?
          Garlisk's Fantasy Art Gallery
          www.usyetzer.com

          Comment


          • #6
            I could explain the reps and their enemies, but other than that, no. Those sentences could be combined to give a greater feeling. Short sentences don't give a lot of atmosphere to the writing, making the erader uninterested, and will pick up very little.

            That's why nobody reads textbooks :grin:
            "Just off the border of your waking mind there lies another time, where darkness and light are one. As you tread the halls of sanity, you feel so glad to be unable to go beyond. I have a message from another time."

            Comment


            • #7
              taff words for my english to understand it
              "What'll we do tonight, RaughingLat?"
              "Same thing we do every night, Granky, try to take over the world."

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Radamanthus
                I could explain the reps and their enemies, but other than that, no. Those sentences could be combined to give a greater feeling. Short sentences don't give a lot of atmosphere to the writing, making the erader uninterested, and will pick up very little.

                That's why nobody reads textbooks :grin:

                Ok, please explain it (Reps) as you underdstand them. Then I can work on making it clearer (if I need to).
                Garlisk's Fantasy Art Gallery
                www.usyetzer.com

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Garlisk
                  LR, are there actually runons in there, or are you just messin around after bio's post?
                  No, I was just messing around. Bio seemed to be using the same short, clipped sentences in his post that he was denouncing, so it was a chance to poke fun at both of you. A two-for-one sale, as it were.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Ok, good.

                    Again, It would help me a lot if any of you would explain the "Reps" as you understand them so I know what I need to change, or clarify.
                    Garlisk's Fantasy Art Gallery
                    www.usyetzer.com

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      bump for the new, revised, and added to story
                      Garlisk's Fantasy Art Gallery
                      www.usyetzer.com

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        [benstein]

                        Anyone... Anyone...

                        [/benstein]
                        Garlisk's Fantasy Art Gallery
                        www.usyetzer.com

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Bueller... Bueller....

                          The only constant is change.
                          (And I wouldn't have it any other way.)

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by LaughingRat
                            No, I was just messing around. Bio seemed to be using the same short, clipped sentences in his post that he was denouncing, so it was a chance to poke fun at both of you. A two-for-one sale, as it were.
                            I feel I should point out that Bio was deliberately using short sentences, as indicated by the smilies at the end of his post
                            Nightwarden,
                            .:Mockers Thievery Guild:.
                            - "Earth dons the red; calls the maggots."

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by shadow rodent
                              I feel I should point out that Bio was deliberately using short sentences, as indicated by the smilies at the end of his post
                              Don't you DARE try to take away any reason for making fun of Bio!!

                              Comment

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