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  • Post a joke thread.

    Share some jokes.

    There's a mexican an irishman and a redneck on some scaffolding eating thieir lunch so the mexican opens his "tacos if i get tacos one more time i
    swear ill jump" the Irish man "Corned beef if i get corned beef one more time ill jump" the redneck "ham if i get a ham sandwich one more time ill jump" so the next day they all get the same lunch and all jump to thier deaths. at the fuineral the wives are all crying then they start saying how they could of made them a different lunch and when it comes to the rednecks wife she says, "Dont look at me that dumbass makes his own lunch!"
    --------------------
    A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a
    long gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

    "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

    "OK," said the man, and entered the house. Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him durng the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

    During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

    He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 1...Large rock on chest."

    "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

    He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2...Rock tied to left testicle."

    In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he, jumped out of the window after the boulder.

    As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3... Right testicle tied to bed post."
    --------------------
    Two muffins were baking in an oven. One turned to the other and said, "hot enough for ya?". The second one replied, "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN"
    --------------------
    Alright, so a smoking fish walks into an autoshop. The mechanic says, "Can I help you?" The fish says, "I'm a walking, smoking fish, what do you
    think?"
    --------------------
    A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self- conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.
    It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.

    "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.

    "Yes. You have no ears."

    He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

    "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.

    "Yes. You have no ears."

    He quickly eliminated the second candidate.

    "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.

    "Yes. You're wearing contacts."

    Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"

    "You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."
    --------------------

    A music student forgot about his final assignment of making a composition. He then remembered that his friend took a previous piece, and completely
    reversed it.

    Thinking this would be a good idea, he searched through his notes and found a piece that his teacher had handed in for a similar assignment. Working as fast as possible, he reversed all the notes and handed it in.

    The next week, when everyone recieved their compositions back, in big red ink, there was a comment from the teacher: "Why did you hand in Beethoveen's 2nd in D minor?"
    BobTheDog says, "Now you've gone too far!"

  • #2
    A man walks into a bar, with a cage containing three ducks. The barman notices the sign on the cage, which reads "Walt and his amazing talking ducks". The barman quizzes the customer, who insists that the ducks can talk. Eventually Walt feels the need to visit the lavatory and so the barman decides to check out the ducks.

    "Hello, duck and what is your name?" he asks.

    To his amazement the duck replies "Hi, there sir, I am called Huey".

    "How has your day been?" asks the barman.

    "Fine", comes the reply, "it has been a wonderful day, and for entertainment, I've been able to go in and out of puddles all day!"

    Turning to the second duck, the barman says, "And how about you?"

    "Hi, I'm Duey" says the second duck "and I have spent all day going in and out of puddles as well!".

    Impressed, the barman turns to the third, bedraggled duck and says, "and I suppose you are Louie?"

    "No" it replies, "my name is Puddles and don't even think of asking me what kind of day I've had!"

    --------------------
    Mickey and Minnie Mouse are having relationship issues and Mickey wants a divorce so they go to a divorce court. Mickey begins by explaining why
    they've been having problems. He gives the judge a long explanation. The judge finally says, "Well I can't grant you a divorce just because you think your wife is crazy." Mickey says, "NO! I said she was ****ing Goofy!"
    --------------------
    So this duck waddles into a store and says, 'Do you have any raisins?'
    And the guy at the conuter says, 'Uhh, no , I'm sorry, we don't sell raisins.'
    The duck says 'OK' and waddles out.
    Next day the duck waddles back into the store
    'Do you have any raisins?'
    'Look, I told you, we don't carry raisins!'
    The duck says 'OK' and waddles out again.
    The duck waddles back into the store the next day and says, 'Do you have any raisins?'
    'We don't have any damn raisins! If you ask me that again, I'm gonna nail your stupid webbed feet to the floor!'
    'OK', says the duck and waddles out once more.
    The duck waddles back into the store the next day and says, 'Do you have any nails?'
    'No...'
    'Good! Do you have any raisins?'
    --------------------
    A polar bear walks into a bar. The bear goes up to the bartender and says, "I want a rum. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .and a coke." The bartender replies,
    "Why the big pause?" The polar bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them."
    --------------------
    A nerd walks into an electronics wearhouse store. He says to the cashier, "How much is a replacement CMOS chip?" The cashier says, "Nothing, it's
    complementary!"
    --------------------
    A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his trousers. The bartender says, "Hey buddy! Did you know you have a steering wheel
    hanging out of your trousers?"

    The pirate replies, "Aye, it's drivin me nuts."
    BobTheDog says, "Now you've gone too far!"

    Comment


    • #3
      Thx bob this thread has changed a shitty day into a fuckin hilarious one

      My joke is *Gerbs*
      How TuF are you?
      League of Legends
      Bloodbowl by Extensions

      Comment


      • #4
        No problemo. Just looking them over was fun. I hope to get some new ones here, though. :grin:
        BobTheDog says, "Now you've gone too far!"

        Comment


        • #5
          A grasshopper walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer.

          The bartender looks over at him and says "Hey, we have a drink named after you, ya know?"

          The grasshopper looks at him puzzled and says "Really? You have a drink named Steve?"


          Thought for the day: Beware of Gods who do not laugh

          http://bobthemad.8m.com/

          Comment


          • #6
            Why couldn't the pirate see the movie?
            Because it was rated ARRRRRRRRRR



            :lol:
            http://profiles.myspace.com/users/7360475
            -=:ToB:=- / :]eDe[: Site: www.endarkend.net
            -=:ToB:=-Forums: www.endarkend.net/phpbb/
            -=:ToB:=-PayingSins (TUT MAP)- http://www.endarkend.net/downloads/m...oB_Payback.zip

            Comment


            • #7
              What has four legs and an arm?

              A happy Pit Bull!


              How much does it cost a pirate to get pierced?

              Buck-an-ear.



              -me.

              Comment


              • #8
                two blonde girls meet on a monday morning. one of them sais to the other:
                "i slept with an academician this weekend. imagine, this guy had a 'penis'!!"
                so the other one replies surprised: "What the hell is a 'penis'????"
                "It's the same as a dick, just smaller!"

                Comment


                • #9
                  So a thief walks into a bar,


                  OWA!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Ok, Here goes, downloading Memory.....

                    10 ways to scare your neighbors

                    1.) Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that
                    you don't have a phone.
                    hello
                    2.) Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, "I have your life in my
                    hands, bow down to me!". Then point at each one and declare them good or bad
                    plants,while watering the bad ones.

                    3.)Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (ie: chairs, books,
                    lamps, etc.)

                    4.) Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, "Mine are full of
                    bodies", then stutter and say, "I uh mean other garbage." walk away laughing
                    hysterically.

                    5.)Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that
                    their is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards.

                    6.) At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, "looks like they're on
                    the move again."

                    7.) When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn
                    and a dink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too.

                    8.)Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbours. Each day hack off a different part of
                    their body.

                    9.) Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why,
                    say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.)

                    10.) Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make
                    markers out of household applainces.

                    ----------------------------------------

                    50 Things To Do In an Elevator



                    1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

                    2. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that
                    this is your "personal space."

                    3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all
                    of you just shut UP!"

                    4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

                    5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

                    6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

                    7. Shave.

                    8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in
                    there?"

                    9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

                    10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

                    11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act
                    embarrassed when they open by themselves.

                    12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

                    13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call
                    you Admiral.

                    14. One word: Flatulence!

                    15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear
                    the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

                    16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

                    17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new
                    socks on!"

                    18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion
                    sickness!"

                    19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

                    20. Meow occassionally.

                    21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

                    22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

                    23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

                    24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

                    25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

                    26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

                    27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and
                    move to the far corner of the elevator.

                    28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"

                    29. Leave a box between the doors.

                    30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

                    31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

                    32. Start a sing-along.

                    33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

                    34. Play the harmonica.

                    35. Shadow box.

                    36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

                    37. Lean against the button panel.

                    38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

                    39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

                    40. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

                    41. Bring a chair along.

                    42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

                    43. Blow spit bubbles.

                    44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

                    45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

                    46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

                    47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

                    48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

                    49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

                    50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

                    -----------------------------------------------------

                    << Blowjob Etiquette (by a female)
                    1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

                    2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

                    3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not
                    standard
                    practice to cum on someone's face.

                    4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

                    5. My ears are NOT handles.

                    6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I
                    heard,
                    deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on
                    your
                    dick?

                    7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

                    8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it
                    through
                    your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel
                    particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex
                    right
                    now.

                    9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school
                    girls -
                    if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

                    10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell
                    me
                    I've just "wrecked it" for you.

                    11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately
                    afterwards
                    is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in
                    the
                    future.

                    12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about
                    the
                    origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're
                    good at
                    it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

                    13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the
                    protein content.

                    14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

                    15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow
                    jobs
                    often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either
                    sympathize
                    or brag.

                    16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to
                    "kiss
                    it good morning."

                    A Man's thoughts on Fellatio AKA Rebuttal Etiquette (by a male)

                    1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will
                    find
                    someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

                    2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot
                    easier
                    than licking a dead fish.

                    3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything
                    to
                    you?

                    4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be
                    thankful
                    I'm not pulling your hair.

                    5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the
                    only
                    way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

                    6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you
                    need
                    all the fluids you can get. Trust me.

                    7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get
                    the
                    short end of the stick in flavor country.

                    8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

                    9. Play with the balls.

                    10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

                    11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

                    12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now,
                    but
                    when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll
                    be
                    "sound asleep."

                    13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on
                    your
                    face, now will you?

                    ------------------------------------------------------------

                    50 Fun Things To Do On a Final That Does
                    Not Matter



                    1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes.Wake up, say "oh
                    geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

                    2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret
                    documents!!"

                    3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form,
                    answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

                    4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

                    5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with
                    yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking."
                    Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

                    6. Bring cheerleaders.

                    7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor,
                    "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the
                    deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

                    8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.

                    9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer
                    every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it
                    conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

                    10. Bring pets.

                    11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the
                    instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

                    12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces,
                    throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for
                    another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat th is process every fifteen
                    minutes.

                    13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

                    14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing
                    else.

                    15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as
                    possible.

                    16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For
                    math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

                    17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person
                    nearest to you.

                    18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

                    19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next
                    video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the
                    instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

                    20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue
                    with the exam.

                    21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting
                    on how easy it was.

                    22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice
                    exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

                    23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely
                    blacked out.

                    24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out
                    "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

                    25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or
                    not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

                    26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam,
                    you should start crying for mommy).

                    27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very
                    derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked
                    up to a clapper. DUH!"

                    28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

                    29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask
                    and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

                    30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very
                    small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to
                    every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

                    31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really
                    expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

                    32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

                    33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's
                    requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin
                    whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

                    34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

                    35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly
                    think of. Get PI and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate
                    everything to your own life story.

                    36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

                    37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this
                    person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

                    38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history
                    notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too)
                    and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attache d notes for
                    references as you see fit."

                    39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

                    40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the
                    answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

                    41. One word: Wrestlemania.

                    42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts
                    start.

                    43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

                    44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

                    45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often.
                    Consider a small sacrifice.

                    46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few
                    minutes throughout the exam.

                    47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can
                    reach.

                    48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

                    49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say
                    "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the
                    instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the
                    phrase "Told you so".

                    50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

                    ----------------------------------------------------

                    TYPES OF POO!


                    Ghost Shit

                    You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    Teflon Coated Shit

                    Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper. you have to look in the toilet bowl to be sure you did it!


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    Gooey Shit

                    This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    Second Thought Shit

                    You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit

                    This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    Bali Belly Shit

                    You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    Right Now Shit

                    You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    King Kong or Commode Choker Shit

                    This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    Wet Cheeks Shit

                    This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    Wish Shit

                    You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    Cement Block or Oh God Shit

                    You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    Snake Shit

                    This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)

                    Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)

                    You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    Beer Drunk Shit

                    This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    The Frightened Turtle

                    The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    The Bungee Shit

                    The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    The Ring of Fire Shit

                    The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    The Crippler

                    The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    The Big Bobber

                    The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang

                    The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    The Incredible Hulk Shit

                    The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    The Jack the Ripper Shit

                    The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    The Party Pooper

                    The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    The Toxic Gas Shit

                    The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    Dirty Bowl Shit

                    The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    The Windy City Shit

                    When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    Oh Shit! Shit

                    You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!


                    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    The Never Ending Shit

                    It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at K.F.C.

                    -------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    Chinese Proverbs

                    Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

                    ******
                    Man who run in front of car get tired.

                    ******
                    Man who run behind car get exhausted.

                    ******
                    Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

                    ******
                    Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

                    ******
                    Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways
                    going to Bangkok.

                    ******
                    Man with one chopstick go hungry.

                    ******
                    Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

                    ******
                    Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

                    ******
                    Panties not best thing on earth but next to best
                    thing on earth.

                    ******
                    War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

                    ******
                    Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

                    ******
                    Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at
                    night.

                    ******
                    It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to
                    fill it.

                    ******
                    Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

                    ******
                    Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

                    ******
                    Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

                    ******
                    Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

                    *****


                    End of Memory Dump.....

                    Hope that cheers people up
                    ~TuF~

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      This thread...... is a joke....

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        ROFLMAO Mach! :lol:
                        I Need Training!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          ok see if I can remember a few.

                          A Man walks into a bar and orders a drink he notices that there
                          is a horse at the end of the bar with a sign that says 10 dollars
                          to anyone who can make this horse laugh. The man says ok
                          I'll take ya up on that so he walks down to the horse and whispers
                          in his ear and the horse busts out laughing. Man walks back
                          ok give me my ten dollars which the bartender did.
                          The man finishes his drink and leaves.
                          The next week the man returns and lo and behold there is the horse
                          again with a sign that now reads 20 dollars to anyone who can make
                          this horse cry.
                          The man orders a drink, thinks about it for a minute, then walks
                          to where the horse is and leads him out back. when the man and
                          horse come back in the horse is crying like a baby.
                          So the bartender hands him his money.
                          Then the bartender asked: ok i just have to know how you did it.
                          The man replies: well last week I told the Horse that I was hung
                          bigger than him. So how did you make him cry the bartender asked?
                          well I just took him out and showed him.
                          ---------------------------------------------

                          Whats the difference between a wonam getting out of church and
                          a woman getting out of a bathtub?
                          * A woman getting out of church has Hope in her soul.

                          for those who may not get that just think about it.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            A woman getting out of church has Hope in her soul.

                            erm... so a woman getting out the bath has....


                            AHHHH!

                            Sope in her houl!!

                            If I wasn't a cold machine without any feelings I'd by laughing my ass off now.... but no... maybe someday i'll be a real boy!
                            ~TuF~

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              OMG Machine...

                              It took me 5+ minutes to recover from the "Types of Poo".

                              Comment

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