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  • And the award goes to...

    The Darwin Awards (2004)

    They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards. It's an
    annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by
    killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As you may
    recall, 2003's winner was killed by a Coke machine which toppled and crushed him
    as he was attempted to tip a free soda out of it.



    And the nominees this year are:

    9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
    because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk.
    Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the
    fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down,
    killing both him and his sister.


    8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of
    suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and weighed
    225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white
    saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a
    schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gasmask that had the
    filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end
    of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approximately 12"
    long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for
    reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task
    of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.



    7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when
    another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants
    of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They
    were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.


    6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details
    before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not
    breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch
    naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed
    burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the
    man (who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital) the police made a
    closer inspection of the couch and noticed that the man had made a hole
    between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what
    had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis
    between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical
    sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the
    story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders,
    electrocuting him.


    5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near
    Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and
    killing herself. A commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified
    for a Darwin nomination were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had
    been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently
    beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct
    buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.


    4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use
    octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County
    police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps
    together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the
    trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren
    Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone
    because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had
    assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the
    ground," Carmichael said. Police say the cause of death was "major trauma."


    3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
    friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The
    friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.


    2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell
    of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing, all
    potential sources of ignition: lights, power, etc. After the building had been
    evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon
    entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To
    their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the
    sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an
    object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like
    object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to a mile
    away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually
    untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast
    had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.


    AND THE WINNER -

    1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everett Sanchez
    tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.
    Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed
    to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his
    dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the
    machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the
    mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain,
    collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for him, the height of the
    ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are
    in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link.

    Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked
    from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was
    flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the
    rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new
    $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop and was using
    to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the
    remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.


    Note: This last incident wouldn't normally count toward an "award", because
    the idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying
    act of stupidity, it was allowed

  • #2
    My leet Thievery Map
    My leet UT3 Map
    My leet AS Map

    Comment


    • #3
      ...

      ...

      Sunova OW.
      Garlisk's Fantasy Art Gallery
      www.usyetzer.com

      Comment


      • #4
        Holy m**** ***** ****it!
        That is some post!
        Feel the power of the

        Comment


        • #5
          damn i thought i would be the winner. damn you grank don't pulll somthing like that ever again.
          I have sex with my hand!

          Comment


          • #6
            lmao
            The Guard "eats, drinks, and sleeps"

            Likita: lol, can't.. must..stay..awake.............

            It's TACO TIME!

            Comment


            • #7
              ldhat: Some of those are from at least two years ago.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Oie
                ldhat: Some of those are from at least two years ago.
                Forgive me for posting it. I'll delete it since you have deemed it old news and not worthy of reading. I found it amusing and worth sharing but I was wrong.

                Good Day.

                Comment


                • #9
                  :cry:


                  I enjoyed it too, Granky-Poo...


                  I want it back!!




                  w00t! This was my 1999 post!!

                  "and we're gonna party like it's nineteen ninety-nine!"
                  Genius is a blink before a moment of insanity.
                  "Dream is Destiny"
                  Waking Life

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    What the haell? Damn you oie, now I want to know what it read.

                    Let's all repeatedly kick oie in the nuts.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I've read it, and it's good!

                      /me kicks Oie in the nuts
                      On demand this signature has been changed. I hope nobody was insulted or got harmed due to my signature. If this is the case, I'm fully responsible for the harm that was done. Do you feel harmed or you simply want a listening ear?

                      Call 0900-PHAE

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Bring back the post! I was gonna show it to my other half!
                        heh I thought it was quite good, not to mention hadn't seen it before.

                        /me kicks Oie in the nuts

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          /me shoots Oie in the nuts.
                          ~TuF~

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Oh for Christ sake, bring it back Grank. Not everyone has seen it.
                            If everyone deleted what was thought old hat, :roll:

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by BrokenArts
                              Oh for Christ sake, bring it back Grank. Not everyone has seen it.
                              If everyone deleted what was thought old hat, :roll:
                              You don't necessarily have to put back #1, tho. Just thinking about that kinda stuff makes me hurt! :cry:
                              me videre non potes, occultatione gero....
                              [You can't see me, I'm wearing camouflage....]
                              -CaligoIpsa

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